Five Truths about Fear

1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.

2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.

3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out . . . and do it.

4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else.

5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

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FROM PAIN TO POWER

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he last chapter revealed a critical insight indeed, and that is: T IF EVERYBODY FEELS FEAR WHEN APPROACHING

SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW IN LIFE,

YET SO MANY ARE OUT THERE “DOING IT”

DESPITE THE FEAR,

THEN WE MUST CONCLUDE THAT

FEAR IS NOT THE PROBLEM.

Obviously, the real issue has nothing to do with the fear itself, but, rather, how we hold the fear. For some, the fear is totally irrelevant. For others, it creates a state of paralysis. The former hold their fear from a position of power (choice, energy, and action), and the latter hold it from a position of pain (helplessness, depression, and paralysis).

The chart on the next page illustrates this concept.

From this it can be seen that the secret in handling fear is to move yourself from a position of pain to a position of power. The fact that you have the fear then becomes irrelevant.

 

 

Let’s talk about the word “power.” Some people say that they do not like the concept of power and want no part of it. It is true that in our world

the word “power” has some negative overtones. It often implies control over others, and, unfortunately, is often misused.

The kind of power I am talking about is entirely different. In fact, it makes you less manipulative of those around you, and certainly more loving. I am talking about power within the self. This means power over your perceptions of the world, power over how you react to situations in your life, power to do what is necessary for your own self-growth, power to create joy and satisfaction in your life, power to act, and power to love.

This kind of power has nothing to do with anyone else. It is not egomania, but a healthy self-love. In fact, egomaniacs have absolutely no feeling of power—thus their compelling need to control those around them.

Their lack of power leaves them in a perpetual state of fear, since their survival depends on the outside world. No one is more unloving than a person who can’t own his or her own power. Such people spend their lives trying to pull it out of everyone else. Their need creates all sorts of manipulative behavior.

The kind of power I’m talking about leaves you free, since you don’t expect the rest of the world to fill you up. It’s not the ability to get someone else to do what you want them to do. It’s the ability to get yourself to do what you want to do. If you do not own this kind of power, you lose your sense of peace. You are in a very vulnerable place.

I have found that women are more put off than men are by the concept of power, for obvious reasons. Men have been conditioned to believe that to be powerful is good. Women have been conditioned to believe that to be powerful is unfeminine and unattractive. It is my experience that nothing could be further from the truth.

A self-assured woman who is in control of her life draws like a magnet.

She is so filled with positive energy that people want to be around her. Yet it is only when she has become powerful within herself that she can become authentic and loving to those around her. The truth is that love and power go together. With power, one can really begin to open the heart. With no power, love is distorted.

For the women reading this book, a good antidote to any inner conflict between power and femininity is to repeat to yourself at least twenty-five times each morning, noon, and night:

I AM POMERFUL AND I AM LOVED.

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And:

I AM POMERFUL AND I AM LOVING.

An energizing variation is:

I AM POMERFUL AND I LOVE IT!

Say these three statements aloud right now. Feel the energy the words convey. Their constant repetition will help make the concepts of power and love more compatible and certainly more comfortable.

Now that I’ve explained the kind of power I’m talking about, let’s explore how to use the Pain-to-Power concept in daily life.

The first step is to create a Pain-to-Power Chart, as follows: As we look at the Pain-to-Power continuum, most of us can place ourselves somewhere in the middle of the chart. We’re not totally incapacitated by our fears, but we’re not exactly feeling a great sense of power and excitement, nor are we quickly sprinting to our goals. We seem to be taking the arduous route over the mountain carrying two suitcases and a watermelon rather than flying on the wings of eagles. As another ancient sage once said, “The pathway is smooth. Why do you throw rocks before you?”

Using the Pain-to-Power Chart as a frame of reference, you can begin to clear the rocks in front of you. The following steps will help in the clearing process:

1. Draw an enlargement of the Pain-to-Power Chart and place it on your wall. Just the simple act of making the enlargement will make you feel a little more powerful. You are already taking action! Remember that much of the trick of moving from pain to power is taking action. ACTION IS VERY

POWERFUL! Once the chart is on your wall it will serve as a constant

reminder of where you want to go in life—from pain to power. Awareness is half the battle. Having the chart physically present will also help you motivate yourself to keep moving in the right direction.

2. Just to keep you from taking yourself too seriously, you might want to write somewhere on your chart “Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.” I heard this quote by Gilbert K. Chesterton a long time ago, and it still makes me smile. It constantly reminds me that you can drop an awful lot of excess baggage if you learn to play with life instead of fight it.

3. Put a pin at the place on the chart where you see yourself situated at this moment in your life. Are you in the middle, where you sometimes feel depressed and paralyzed and at other times feel more in control? Or do you definitely find yourself on the far left side, where there is little you are able to do to pull yourself out of the rut? Or perhaps you are already on the right side, where most of the time you feel you are really moving ahead with your life, with only a few areas that need to be worked on. I doubt that anyone reading this book has reached their goal of attaining absolute power over the self. Even the Buddhas have their days! There are always new experiences that challenge a sense of personal power.

4. Each day look at the chart and ask yourself, “Do I see myself at the same place, or have I moved?” Move the pin accordingly.

5. If you keep in mind the direction you want to go, it will help you make decisions about what you are doing in your life. Before you take any action in life, ask yourself: “Is this action moving me to a more powerful place?” If it isn’t, you will think twice about doing it. A word of caution: If you go ahead any way, knowing the action will keep you in a position of pain, don’t get angry with yourself about it. Just notice where you are not taking responsibility. The next time, you can make a different decision. Use your “mistakes” as learning experiences. Remember that each time you get angry at yourself for an action you have taken, you keep yourself on the side of pain.

6. Make your use of the chart fun. Having it as a game keeps you light about the situation. If you have children, they can create their own charts, and you can make a family game out of the experience of growing.

7. You might want to make different charts for different areas of your life. To be really powerful, you need to be in charge of all aspects of your life—your work, relationships, environment, body, and so on. Often people are very powerful in some parts of their lives and pathetic in others. For example, I am very powerful in terms of my career, but need to work on the area of exercise.

Note that your movement on the chart is determined only by your own intuitive sense of how far you are progressing in gaining more power in your life. No one else can judge that, though they may try. Although your life may look exactly the same to the outside world, it is your own sense of internal peace and growth that determines where you are on the chart. It is, totally, a feeling within.

You may wonder if you really need to go to such lengths to get yourself moving. Trust me—you do! In the beginning, you need all the gimmicks you can get to remind you of where you want to go. You don’t become powerful without concentrating on power. As you must have figured out by now, simply knowing what to do does not mean that you do it, or, for that matter, even remember it.

To help you on your pain-to-power path, it’s important that you begin to develop a Pain-to-Power Vocabulary. The way you use words has a tremendous impact on the quality of your life. Certain words are destructive; others are empowering. Choose to move to a Pain-to-Power Vocabulary as follows:

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“I can’t” implies you have no control over your life, whereas “I won’t” puts a situation in the realm of choice. From this moment on, strike “I can’t”

from your vocabulary. When you give your subconscious the message “I can’t,” your subconscious really believes you and registers on its computer: WEAK . . . WEAK . . . WEAK. Your subconscious believes only what it hears, not what is true. You might be saying “I can’t” simply to get out of a dinner invitation—such as, “I can’t come to dinner tonight. I have to prepare for tomorrow’s meeting,” but your subconscious is registering,

“He’s weak!” In fact, “I can’t come to dinner” is an untruth. The truth is “I can come to dinner, but I am choosing to do something that has a higher priority at the moment.” But the subconscious can’t discern the difference and is still registering “weak.”

Although you may want to be more delicate to your host than to utter the above statement, you can still stay away from the words “I can’t.” “I’d love to come to dinner, but I have a meeting tomorrow that’s important to me. I’ll feel better walking in totally prepared. So I’ll pass for tonight and hope you’ll invite me again.” That statement has truth, integrity, and power.

The subconscious hears you stating your priorities with clarity and choosing the outcome that serves your own growth. Choosing this way doesn’t leave you the helpless victim of your meeting.

“I should” is another loser. It, too, implies that you have no choices in life. “I could” is more powerful. “I could visit my mother, but I’m choosing to go to the movies today.” This puts things in the realm of choice instead of obligation. “I can visit my mother or I can go to the movies. I think I’ll choose my mother today.” “Shoulds” bring on guilt and upset—totally draining emotions. Your power is taken away every time you utter the words “I should.”

“It’s not my fault” is another beauty. Once again, you look helpless. It’s better to take responsibility for whatever happens to you in life than to always be the victim. “It’s not my fault I got sick”; “It’s not my fault I lost the job.” If you are willing to take responsibility, then you might see what you can change in the future. Relative to illness, say, “I’m totally responsible for my illness. Let’s see what I can do to prevent it from happening again. I can change my diet. I can reduce stress. I can stop smoking. I can get enough sleep.” And so on. Watch how powerful you become! The same occurs with the lost job. If you are responsible, you can be better prepared the next time; you can find out what made the difference.

You are in control. Each time you find yourself in better control of your life you are moving to a position of power, which will ultimately reduce your fear level.

“It’s a problem” is another deadening phrase. It’s heavy and negative.

“It’s an opportunity” opens the door to growth. Each time you can see the gift in life’s obstacles, you can handle difficult situations in a rewarding way. Each time you have the opportunity to stretch your capacity to handle the world, the more powerful you become.

“I hope” is another victim’s phrase. “I know” has far more power.

I hope I will get a job.

I know I will get a job.

What a difference! The first sets you up for worry and sleepless nights. The second has peace and calm about it.

“If only” is boring. You can hear the whine behind it. “Next time”

implies that you have learned from the situation and will put the learning to

use another time. For example, “If only I hadn’t said that to Tom” can be restated, “I’ve learned Tom is sensitive about this issue. Next time, I’ll be more sensitive.”

“What will I do?” Again you can hear the whine and the fear implied in these words. You, like everyone else, have incredible sources of power within that you haven’t used before. It would serve you to say to yourself,

I know I’ll handle it. I have nothing to worry about.” Instead of, “I’ve lost my job! What will I do?” try “I’ve lost my job. I know I’ll handle it.”

“It’s terrible” is bandied around in the most inappropriate circumstances. For example, “I lost my wallet. Isn’t that terrible?” What’s so terrible about losing a wallet? It’s certainly an inconvenience; it’s hardly terrible. “I gained two pounds. Isn’t that terrible?” It’s hardly terrible to gain two pounds. Yet that’s the way we talk about trivia in our lives. And our subconscious is registering, DISASTER . . . DISASTER . . . DISASTER.

Replace “it’s terrible” with “It’s a learning experience.”

While you might feel more justified in saying “It’s terrible” if a loved one has cancer, keep in mind that this attitude takes away your power to deal with the situation. There are many who have learned important things from the experience. I know, because I am one of those people.

My experience of cancer taught me many wonderful things about myself and the people around me. Most important, I learned how much I was loved. I saw a tender side of my fiancé, now my husband, that I had never seen before, and our love deepened immeasurably. We stopped taking each other for granted. Also, I have changed my life in many positive ways.

I’ve become a much more aware eater. I’ve learned how to eliminate the anger, resentment, and stress that was very much a part of my daily life prior to my illness. My cancer experience has given my husband and me an opportunity to contribute something to this world. I wrote a very positive article about my mastectomy, which I know has been of value to many men and women. My husband and I have appeared on television together to relate our experience, bringing reassurance to viewers. So you see, cancer can be a great learning experience and an opportunity to give.

You get the picture. Begin eliminating the terribles, can’ts, problems, struggles, and so on from your vocabulary. Maybe these semantic differences seem trivial, but I assure you, they are not. Not only does your sense of yourself change with a more powerful vocabulary, so also does your presence in the world. People who display an inner strength are treated

differently from those who come across as weak. The more powerfully you speak, the more you will be a force in the world around you.

As you begin to monitor your vocabulary, you can also bring more power into your life by expanding your comfort zone. What does that mean?

Most of us operate within a zone that feels right, outside of which we are uncomfortable. For example, we might spend $75 dollars for a pair of shoes, but $100 would make us nervous. We might be willing to initiate friendships with people at the office who are at our level in the company, but would be uncomfortable doing so with one of the higher-ups. We might go to the local deli when eating alone, but would feel really uncomfortable in a luxurious restaurant all by ourselves. We might ask for a $5,000 raise, but $7,000 would make us cringe. We may charge $30 an hour for our services, but we don’t feel that we are worth $35. And so on.

For each one of us that zone of comfort is different, but whether we are aware of it or not, all of us—rich or poor, low or high on the totem pole, male or female—make decisions based on the confines of that comfortable space.

I suggest that each day you do something that widens that space for you.

Call someone you are intimidated to call, buy a pair of shoes that costs more than you would have ever paid in the past, ask for something you want that you have been too frightened to ask for before. Take a risk a day

—one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you’ve done it. Even if it doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to, at least you’ve tried. You didn’t sit back . . . powerless. Watch what starts to happen when you expand your comfort zone:

 

 

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