-Tristan-
I got that old feeling again-that old feeling I'd been trying to forget.
I was happy that I'd found her, but I also felt nervous about the whole thing. M aybe I was scared because she'd meant more to me than any other person. Out of a ll girls, I'd chosen her, although these feelings were only one-sided. That real ly seemed like something that would happen to me.
She was like my personal drug. And God-I was still highly addicted! After all th is time, she still ran in circles in my mind.
Now here I was, driving all over the city just to find her. I'd been to all the places where she would possibly be, but had had no luck; Lacey and I had tried c ontacting her several times, but she'd never answered. It was making us sick wit h worry.
The rush of wind hit my windshield as I sped onto the highway. My foot pressed h ard against the accelerator as I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, concer ned. It was already night, and bright neon and electronic billboards lit up the city-it was unlikely that Kylie would be going home this late.
Where was she?
-Kylie-
He'd said this would be a date, but I didn't want to classify it as one, not bec ause it sucked-well, sort of-but because I'd been keeping in mind that we were j ust friends, strolling beneath the orange lights of the park and slurping milksh akes. Everything was actually going pretty well, though it would have been bette r without my spaz attacks from a while ago.
Words couldn't describe how nervous I was about this whole thing. I was trying t o put it into perspective and remember I was the one calling the shots so I woul dn't be nervous, but hell, I was so socially awkward and goofy that I'd messed e verything up like I always had. I'd tripped on the road a couple of times, snort ed Coke out of my nose while laughing at Erik's jokes, accidentally poured musta rd on my shirt and made myself look like a freaking five-year-old, made the lame st puns in the history, realized my fly had been open for the past couple hours. ..
I would definitely not consider this a date, because if I did, this would be the most awkward one in the universe.
Well, at least, the video game arcade we'd gone to at the mall had been great.
Why couldn't I act like a normal person, for crying out loud?
And now, at this point, Erik must've been totally freaked out by me, since he ke pt on taking calls like he was all, "Dude, get me out of here," and the thought of it made me want to push myself in front of a bus.
A few minutes later, Erik jogged back to the bench where I was resting my tired butt. "Sorry if I've been getting too many calls," he said with an apologetic sm ile. "My friend Monique is so stubborn, as always."
Hearing the name, I gulped down an icy chunk of milkshake and coughed. "Monique? Mayfield?" I managed to say. "You know each other?"
Okay, that was a dumb question-everyone knew her at school.
"Yeah. Actually, we've known each other since middle school, and she's in some o f my classes this year." He shook his head. "And the reason she's been calling m e is because she's trying to compare her Bio assignment with mine. It's become h er habit or something."
That was kind of news for me. Wow, this was such a small world after all.
"Cool, you must be smart, then," I snickered.
"I'll take that as a compliment," he said with a chuckle.
For a little while, we stayed there without a word. Feeling edgy, I continued to sip the rest of my milkshake, making loud slurping sounds our background music; when I scanned the area, I saw a few people taking a night stroll.
Erik cleared his throat, and my head instantly turned to him.
"So, uh, did you have fun?" he asked.
"Y-yeah!" I sounded so uncertain. Maybe it was because I still felt panicky goin g out with him alone.
Erik beamed as relief washed over his face. Had he also been nervous this whole time? I'd never thought of that. "Great, then maybe we'll do it again next time if you want. But in a different, much better place, of course."
My heart stated to bang against my ribcage. Thoughts swirled through my mind abo ut whether I should say yes or a no-I didn't want to sound mean towards him, but at the same time, I didn't want to look hopeful. It confused me. I mean, I like d him, and I'd really liked him ages ago, but I could still remember the time wh en he hadn't acknowledged what I'd felt for him. I was still feeling a bit of a sting from the "ouch" factor of someone not being interested in me.
It had become a tiresome cycle of me getting my hopes up and then being ultimate ly crushed in the end.
Not knowing the right thing to say in return, I just smiled casually.
"Oh yeah, I have something for you," he said. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he signaled for me to turn around, so I did, my heart beginning to accelerate fast er and faster. I squeezed my eyes shut when I felt hands and warm breath brushin g the nape of my neck.
"There."
I opened my eyes and bent down, and the first sight that met my eyes was the pre ttiest thing I'd ever seen. It was a silver and blue necklace, and its tiny crys tals formed a perfect circle, letting out a faint glow when the light from the l amppost hit them.
I spun around, my mouth hanging open.
"Looks like you don't like it," said Erik.
"A-are you kidding me?" I stuttered. Spaz mode was activated once again. "This l ooks so freaking dope! Holy cow, who knew I'd ever wear this kind of thing?" My voice dropped. "Wait, you're kidding, right? This thing can't be for me-"
He laughed. "Kylie, you're overreacting. It's for you, okay? And it looks great on you."
"You're really kidding me."
"Whether you believe me or not, it suits you. The blue really brings out the col or of your eyes."
I was melting.
"You know what, Kylie? I think dresses would definitely flatter you. Out of all the other girls at the ball, you were the one who stood out-why don't you try we aring one again for a change?"
My smile froze. Actually, I had girlish clothes lying in the deepest part of my closet, the kind that showed off the shoulders and stuff. But if I wore them, ev eryone would think, "She's trying too hard, it's gross", and that was something I never wanted to happen.
I shook my head to oppose the idea.
"Sometimes I don't get you," said Erik. "Usually girls like to dress themselves up, but so far you're the only one I know who doesn't like it."
I snorted. "Sorry, Erik, but I'm a different kind of female. Besides, I'd rather not be a girly girl. That kind of lifestyle is not meant for me. But hey, thank you." I raised my eyes to him, and when he stared back, I hurriedly looked away . His eyes were gorgeous, like giant blue meatballs. "And, uh, for this. That's so nice of you to... to buy such an expensive gift for me. But seriously, I don' t know what I did to deserve this kind of thing."
"Actually, I didn't buy it from a shop. It's from my mom, and out of all her oth er possessions, that one is her favorite. She gave it to me before..." He looked down. "Well, before she and Dad divorced..."
My eyes went wider. I couldn't believe I was holding a precious memory from his mother. Now I felt ten times more anxious than before, since I had a tendency to lose things easily.
"She told me that during a first date, I should give it to the girl I-" He pause d and locked his gaze on mine. "-to the girl I like..."
The milkshake cup fell into my lap at the same instant my stomach twisted into k nots.
Why... why is he saying that?When he said the words with those deep eyes... the feelings that are supposed to be gone are starting to-
"Kylie, you see, I..."
No. Oh, hell no. I hadn't seen that coming! And it... it couldn't be happening!
Breaking eye contact, I jumped off the bench and blurted out, "Whoa, guess what? I suddenly have a ton of motivation to clean the stove in our house tonight!"
Erik rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah, that's... good to hear. You work really h ard, huh?"
I wanna die. God, how I wished there was an undo button in real life. "Yup! Mom always says that-" I trailed off and gasped, realizing something. "-speaking of. .. Wait, what time is it, anyway?"
Lifting his wristwatch, he answered, "Quarter to nine."
"What!" My voice was so loud; it probably could have been heard throughout the e ntire city. All those nail-biting moments had made me lose track of time! "Shoot ! I'm so sorry, Erik, but I seriously need to go home right now."
I knew I was a total idiot for forgetting my phone in my bedroom, meaning I hadn 't told Lacey or Mom about my plans after school. I wasn't usually out at this t ime to simply hang out, go places, or do unimportant things, so they must have b een worried about me right now. I just had to rehearse mentally what to say when I got home.
Before I knew it, we were speeding through traffic on his big motorbike. Yeah, I 'd never known Erik could be this badass.
I had always been frightened of riding one before, since I'd always thought I'd be blown off the bike by high-speed winds. It was like a wild roller coaster rid e, but I finally got over the initial fear, and riding actually felt thrilling.
My guts stirred at every roar of the engine. I had my arms around Erik's hips, a nd it was driving me insane, though our position wasn't the only thing making me crazy.
He'd said that he liked me in such a quick and straightforward manner earlier-wa s it even real? He'd just been kidding, hadn't he? But if he'd been serious, the n it would've been the first time someone had confessed to me... and holy crap, it would definitely scare the living daylights out of me.
Why was I so frightened by the whole idea? On top of that, something else was pu lling me back-it felt so weird that I couldn't even explain what it was.
Fortunately, we reached my home before I could collapse on the spot. No light wa s visible through the windows of the house, and I guess everyone had already hit the sack. I let out a sigh of relief-all I had to do was to sneak in and preten d nothing had happened.
Erik switched off the engine, and I swung off the seat in one swift move. I took the black helmet off my head before giving it back to him.
"Well, thanks for the wild ride," I said, breathless. After that long ride, my e ars were ringing, and I felt like I was still moving.
Erik took off his helmet, making his hair bushy. "Don't mention it. At least you arrived home much earlier than midnight," he answered with a smile.
Snorting out a laugh, I rolled my eyes. "Huh, so much for being Cinderella in j eans and Converse."
"Kylie?" said a familiar voice, distracting my scrambled thoughts.
I turned around and took a step back in shock when I saw Tristan standing behind me. He looked exhausted, with his red sweatshirt wrinkled and his hair in a mes s. The bright, silver moon shone light on his ghostly white face; a cloud of smo ke puffed out of his mouth as he exhaled, as if he'd stayed too long outside in the cold.
"Tristan? What are you doing here?" I asked in disbelief.
His eyes flicked to Erik, and I tensed. Oh, no. Don't tell me he's up for a figh t again.
Erik coughed, breaking the increasing tension in the atmosphere; I quickly swive led towards him and tried to force a smile, but failed.
"So, I think I should go now," he said, placing his helmet back on his head. "I enjoyed your company tonight, Kylie, and I wish I could stay and talk to you for a couple minutes, but it looks like someone's already waiting for you." He glan ced at my back with some seemingly strange meaning.
Agitated, I didn't know what to say.
Erik started the engine, which generated a loud noise that echoed through the qu iet neighborhood. He gave me a nod, saying, "See you in school, Ky. Have a good night," before taking off down the dark road.
My mouth hung open as I stared after him-he'd been in such a rush, he hadn't eve n waited for my reply.
No word could describe this day. I never wanted this to happen again.
Taking a deep breath, I faced Tristan and looked at him grimly. He gazed at me f or a second, then quickly shifted his eyes away; his jaw went firm, and he gulpe d before looking down at the ground like he was discomforted.
"Why... why are you here?" I asked, trying to control my steady voice.
Sucking in the cold air, he raised his head but still avoided my gaze. "I-" he s aid hesitantly. He glanced at the thing hanging around my neck, and I squirmed. "I didn't know you and Erik were going out. Huh, it's... it's such a shame."
A block in my throat had formed. "You sounded like you oppose the idea," I said. "Does it have something to do with you, and that's why you went mad this mornin g? Oh wait, you went mad a long time ago, never mind."
"Don't you know?" he asked angrily. There was something in his eyes that I could n't understand.
"Ah, so that's been the reason all along? That... that you don't want me to be w ith other people?" I faked a laugh. "Wow, Tristan. Jeez, if that's it, then it's pathetic, and I'm... I'm disappointed. You can't stand me talking and hanging o ut with anyone else! So if I happened to be together with somebody else, you wou ldn't last for three minutes, let alone one month, for instance."
"Exactly," he said loudly, which made me step back in surprise. He opened his mo uth, closed it, and said with a shaky voice, "I... I don't want to see you with someone else, especially that guy."
"You... you really despise Erik," I whispered. My stomach started to knot up, an d I felt vaguely nauseous.
"I should tell you this for your own good." He looked straight into my eyes with his penetrating gaze and said, "You must be cautious about him, Kylie-"
I quickly covered my ears. "Shut up," I said, my voice trembling. "Don't you dar e say what's good for me. You're only concerned with your own feelings."
"No, I-"
"Don't screw with what people feel just because you can't figure out what's goin g on with your own messed-up head!"
I tried to pass him, but he quickly grabbed my wrist.
"Why won't you let me finish what I have to say?" he asked; a hint of desperatio n in his tone.
Yanking his hand away, I said, "I'm already tired of listening," before returnin g to the front door. I felt the sting of tears that hadn't formed yet in the cor ners of my eyes. Why?
"Or are you just afraid of understanding reality?" I heard him say. "Erik isn't being true to you, Kylie. Remember in the ninth grade when you had the... the br aces and stuff-"
My heart burned when he spoke those words. All the things I'd ever wanted to for get flashed back through my thoughts, and they maddened me to an extreme. "Shut up! Don't you ever remind me of those times, Tristan!"
"-and he didn't even treat you the same way back then as he does right now? Didn 't you notice that? The guy is just interested in your appearance, Kylie! He doe sn't even know the real you!"
I faced him and opened my mouth, teeth clenched, but I couldn't think of a good comeback. My breathing was getting shorter every second, and all I could do was gasp. "Stop saying that..." I managed to croak out. "Erik is not- Erik is not-"
"Are you so desperate to impress him that you'd go so far as to doll yourself up at the ball?" he said bitterly. "And... and lie to everyone about it?"
I froze with fear and shuddered in disbelief.
The moment he said those words, everything seemed to stop. My already misty eyes scanned his own eyes, trying to figure out how he'd finally found out. I couldn 't believe it-it was like there was a strong force pushing me down that made me feel weak physically, mentally, and emotionally.
He knew it. The secret I'd been keeping from him. Julianne had been right all al ong.
Feeling ashamed, I bit my lip, not knowing what to say back.
"I thought you weren't afraid to show who you are, Kylie," said Tristan, barely above a whisper. "Since... since when did you become so shallow?"
What...? Shallow?
My hands turned to fists, and my nails dug into my palms. The anger and sadness I'd been hiding for the entire day surged through me with so much power, my ches t squeezed in. I didn't know what to do. I blinked several times to erase the st eam clouding my vision.
"Ha... ha-ha..." I tried to fake-laugh to hide what I really felt, but my cracki ng voice gave it away. Gasping for air, I continued venomously: "Says the guy wh o changes girlfriends like he changes clothes, who likes the crowd's attention o n him, who's never cared about anything except his public image... D-do you have the right to criticize me? T-to insult me?" I tried to pull it back, but a sing le tear finally escaped from my eye, and I quickly wiped it away.
Why do I feel weak in front of him now? Why is this happening, damn it!
Tristan walked towards me, extending his hands as if to touch my arms, but I fli nched away. His eyes were telling that he was sorry, but I didn't buy it. I cont inued to stare at him, my eyes burning with rage.
"How dare you say that! You don't know anything!"
"Kylie, I didn't mean-"
"No! You are the shallow one, Tristan!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "And I hate you! I hate you! I hate-"
He pulled me by the wrist without hesitation, and soon I was rapidly turning aro und, landing against his chest. His arms encircled me gently, pulling me closer and making my face sink into his shirt even more; I could feel and hear his hear t beating erratically. It felt like my throat had been cut off, and I couldn't b reathe.
Tristan was hugging me for the first time.
For some reason, my own heart was beating faster than usual, and it felt overwhe lmingly different. Tristan was a lot taller and bigger than I was, and everythin g seemed even more perplexing and terrifying than I could ever have imagined it.
"I'm sorry if I say rash things to you when I know I shouldn't," he whispered to my head.
"Damn you, Tristan!" I struggled to free myself from his arms, but he didn't eve n budge. "Let me go! I hate you! You are the worst!"
"Hate me all you want, I accept it. I-I deserve it for being such a jerk and an idiot. I've made so many mistakes that I know I can't go back from."
I didn't like this feeling. I wished I could turn it off somehow.
"Tristan."
"I'm so sorry for messing things up, and I know I won't be forgiven, but please, listen to me. I don't know how I'm supposed to say this to make you believe me, but I... I..."
I pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him away. His words had sliced r ight through my ego, and it was something I couldn't bear. I held up a hand to s top him from coming closer, then locked my blazing eyes on his.
Tristan's arms dropped to his sides, and his mouth fell open as if he was attemp ting to say something. But before a word could escape from him, I said, "Stay ba ck, and just stop, seriously. After all the things you've done to me, it's hard to believe in you anymore."
"I said I'm sorry. I mean it, Kylie."
Biting my lip, I looked down and said, "I heard you, but I'm already fresh out o f tolerance."
"Kylie, please. Why won't you-"
"I wish you'd said it a long time ago..." I looked up. "You're too late now."
And with those final words, I shut the door, leaving him frozen outside. Heading to my bedroom with immeasurable weariness, I pressed my palms to my palpitating chest.
Something's wrong with me. I shouldn't be like this. I'm usually so sure of myse lf, but ever since he held me so close, I don't know what to think, what to do, and most of all...
...how exactly I feel about everything.
-Tristan-
The moment she slammed the door in front of my face, everything crashed down aro und me. I blinked for a couple of times as I gulped for air. I'd never believed this night would end like this.
She's not only mad, but hurt as well.
The last thing I'd ever wanted to do was make her cry, but crap, I just had.
It was entirely my fault. I was such a fuck-up. It just seemed like no matter wh at I did, I still ended up maddening her-hurting her. Why did I keep on doing su ch goddamned stupid things? The one person that meant most to me, over everyone else, and I didn't show her or tell her how much I cared... She had no idea abou t any of this.
There are so many things I want to say to her but... I just don't know how.
My mouth would always be stuck, and all the words I'd want to say would just sto p whenever I tried. I was terrified to make any moves, too, since she might say I was ridiculous and shut me down.
But it had all happened because of my stupidity. She was right-I was the worst t ype of guy after all.
Shit.
I'd never thought the distance I'd taken for granted could become wide. It was a s if the gap between us was growing five centimeters per second, and that scared the hell out of me. I'd never wanted her to drift away from me-she was the kind of girl who had a chemical that drove me crazy.
I ended up realizing what I've wanted all along, but I wasted all the time I had .
Now I regretted the things I hadn't done while I'd had the chance. For who knows how many long hours, I'd waited for her to come home as I'd stood in the cold o utside. But in the end, it hadn't paid off, and it hadn't even mattered, since I 'd still been too late. That bastard had already gotten her.
I don't want everything to end like this. Maybe I need luck to get her once agai n.